Me
I’m not sure if we’ve formally met.
My name is Jared Alan Brock. Friends call me Jay. I am 23 years old. I live in Hamilton, the city of waterfalls and smog. The only benefit- no mosquitoes.
I like to play squash, basketball, and frisbee golf. I like to watch movies and eat at restaurants. I read for a few hours every single day.
I love to travel…and not to the touristy spots either. I prefer yurts and hick towns and treehouses and camping on the side of the road with a knife in my hand.
I said the prayer when I was 5 and was baptized when I was 10. I didn’t have a clue.
Her
It wasn’t love at first sight. She was fresh off the boat from Finland, decked out in Northern Getaway Apparel. A poster child for grandmas in 1991. The year was 1997. I leaned over to my best friend John and whispered, “what truck hit her?”
She was there when my voice changed. She was there for puberty and hormones and graduation.
Michelle- my love, my life, my muse. She was my blonde, blue-eyed, Scandanavian beauty. We were destined be together forever. And everyone knew it.
I kissed her on the cheek in the summer of grade 7 on a hill at a Newsboys concert at Wonderland.
To be sure, this was true love.
And then I broke her heart. Twice. The second time was worse. She had night terrors. Panic attacks. New allergies. Her best friend died. Her faith flat-lined. Her life fell apart. Little did she know at the time, God was using these events to teach her a lesson.
Too bad I didn’t learn mine.
Sin
First step is admitting you have a problem.
And I had a big one. A serious lust addiction. Girls were of little or no value. Brutal addiction to masturbation. Pornography. Taking advantage of girls. Lust of the eyes, mind, and flesh.
My first sexual experience occurred when I was four years old, and it messed me up big time.
I saw porn for the first time when I was 10… lightning hit the cable box and flipped the NBA All-Star game onto a lesbian Playboy special.
Masturbation followed shortly thereafter.
Fooled around in high school.
I messed up my brain and I wounded my heart. I stole something from the future husbands of my ex-girlfriends. I broke my future wife’s heart.
Then I came clean. Gave up. Got broken. Realized I couldn’t win.
God saved me.
He saved me, but He’s still healing me.
Apart
I took some time to “be with Jesus.” I went to a camp and read the entire Bible in two weeks straight. I went to a cottage and listened to 20 hours of messages by some of the best preachers I knew. I went to a different camp and spent four hours in prayer a day for 4 days straight. I poured myself into my work, thinking serving God would do the trick. Nothing. I didn’t know what I wanted.
Michelle. Eventually, I started coming around again. Chatting. Talking. Flirting. Spending time together. Her dad was furious. Her mom was worse. Deservedly.
Michelle wasn’t taking the bait. I pressed harder. Then one day, she snapped. She collared me against a wall and angrily fired the question- “what do you want out of life?”
Talkative Jay had nothing to say. “I’ll let you know” I mumbled.
And I went searching. Seeking God’s will then more than ever before in my life. Two weeks of intense prayer and seeking.
Then I confidently came back to her with my answer.
“I want to be a humble Christ-follower, a best-selling author, and your husband for life.”
Today
Fast forward to today. I am perfect, pure, holy, and righteous in every way possible. Unfortunately, I still struggle with lying.
I still wage war with lust.
I resist forgiveness.
I have a hard time accepting grace.
I push back against brokenness.
I’m quick to judge others.
I don’t feel the love of God sometimes.
I’m still being healed and restored.
Today I have a new standard of living. I have a new way of viewing women. I have a trustworthy accountability partner. I have a new mindset. I have a hope and a vision for the future.
I’m gratefully part of a seriously awesome community of Jesus-lovers.
I am married to my best friend and dream partner, Michelle, and I would love to have eight kids someday. We’re coming up on our one year anniversary, and I love her now more than ever before.
I love to write, and dream of doing it for a living someday. I also hope to be part of church plant that absolutely rocks it for the kingdom of Jesus in Hamilton and around the world.
You
Some people read my story and think I’m a monster. These people live in caves. They have no clue. I’m not a freak. I’m just the average story. I’ve been around the block, and I know I’m not alone.
I know dozens of people who have been raped or abused.
I know hundreds of guys who are struggling with lust, porn, masturbation, or homosexual attraction.
I hear the stories of girls who throw their bodies away in a desperate attempt for love and affection.
I’ve seen countless marriages get absolutely wasted by sexual sin.
I watch the broken children of families torn apart by selfish and hurting parents.
I have witnessed the devastation of countless souls destroyed because of sexual impurity.
I am not alone.
If you’re anything like me, you cannot live with His love and will not survive without His grace.
He can save and heal you too.
Blog
This blog is my daily reminder to keep it all together. This blog helps me maintain perspective. Maybe it does that for you too. This is where our stories intersect.
I write this blog for me. I write this blog for people like me.
Because no one else is. No one wants to talk about impurity. We have no voice, those of us who struggle with sexual sin and want to join together to tar-and-feather Satan and sin and run them out of our lives.
So far, we’ve managed to bring together a few brave people to start the conversation.
But I’m looking for more.
I’m looking for survivors. People who have been beat up by life, Satan, others, themselves…and yet are still clinging to Jesus.
I’m looking for thrivers. People who have gone beyond surviving and are actually standing firm in purity and righteousness.
I’m looking for soldiers. People who are taking ground and going on the offensive for the Kingdom of God in the spiritual realm.
I’m looking to be part of a sexual revolution.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Man that’s good stuff you have written today. The Holy Spirit and you work well together. I love you Jay! (even though you write gooder than most peoples)
June 4th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
wow. what a powerful testimony, and story. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
I recently read an article in the National Post regarding a recent survey done by the Institute of Marriage and Family Canada. Essentially, they studied the cost of what our government is spending on supporting single-parent families per year, and the figure was around the 7 - billion mark. In response to this, they are thinking of encouraging the government to educate high school students about the benefits of being in a “marital union.”
This is encouraging, but sad when you think about the fact that it takes $7 billion of government aid to support the disaster that is our society’s take on what a satisfactory relationship consists of - get hitched, get shacked, get dumped. I think that, although it’s not easy to admit, the results of this lifestyle are clear - millions of kids with no real father, millions of women and men feeling unsafe and insecure in their relationships with their “partners”, because the natural result of being in a non-committed relationships is having a partner who might decide that your relationship isn’t worth it when times get tough, instead of working through it.
From what I have perceived as a university student, as a friend of more than one single parent, and as an assistant at a family law firm, I believe that there is only heartbreak and destruction - or at least a much better chance of experiencing these things - in settling for anything less than what God intends for us: a monogamous, pure, loving, grace-filled, selfless, humble, until-death-do-you-part marriage.
I completely support the idea of a sexual revolution. It’s time to turn the recreationalization of sex and romance around.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
I’ll post the article that I referred to in my post here as well for anyone who would like to read it: http://www.nationalpost.com/news/canada/story.html?id=1660074
June 4th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Thanks very much… I’ve been working on it for more than a few weeks!
June 5th, 2009 at 2:58 am
Jay, Thanks for sharing your story! It’s the truth and you can tell. It’s so good to hear stories of real people rather than people who pretend to be perfect. How far from perfect is everybody in this world.
You are a leader to many people and your walk with God have strengthen many people’s walks with God including mine. To see you live the way you do is encouraging! Thanks!
June 5th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I appreciate that Bre. I hope that it allows others to be more free to share their story…or at least realize that this is a safe place and that I’m not just a talking mouth. I’m just clinging to the fact that God wants to use me, and that helps me keep it together. God uses broken people to change the world and start revolutions!